Potentially Unpopular Opinions About Girl Scout Cookies
More than just a controversial cookie ranking, this is a special article because we have two writers teaming up for a new-to-MODA collab. That’s right: pop music-maven Joseph Wiltzer and KonMari consultant Katherine Maschka Hitchcock have curated a list that will knock both your socks AND taste buds right off. Cookies are rated according to various qualifiers on scale out of 10.
J: Both Katherine and I actually have interesting histories with Girl Scout cookies. I’m from Montreal so I’d never actually tasted any until coming to college. Before you shout “child abuse,” I promise that Canadian childhood is wonderful, even without the moist, coconut-y goodness of the Samoa.
K: This true blue American, on the other hand, had a fairly traumatizing experience with The Girl Scouts of America in which I was bullied by my middle school friends (and their moms!?!?). The campy, do-good, girl-power spirit that the GSA cultivates thus eluded me. I have therefore allied with Joseph to produce a Girl Scout cookie review wholly absent of the patriotic and empathetic attitude of the American public.
Samoas
K: Crunchy caramel goodness. I was initially skeptical, but Samoas soundly defeated my previously unmatched love of Tagalongs. This is the sophisticated man/woman’s Girl Scout cookie.
J: This is the gold standard for pre-packaged cookies. Miss me with literally anything else if there is a box of Samoas on the table, I will absolutely ravish them.
Taste: 10
Texture:10
Cookie to filling ratio: 10
Would buy: 10
Would eat if in front of me: 10
Tagalongs
K: Tagalongs are classic, timeless, and completely addictive. I would think twice about eating the entire box in one sitting just because of how filling they are, but if I did I would not be mad.
J: These were actually the first Girl Scout cookies I ever tasted and I was not disappointed. Tagalongs serve a gorgeous mix of chocolate and peanut-butter smoother than my best pick-up line [Editor’s note: *rolls eyes*].
Taste: 9
Texture: 8
Cookie to filling ratio: 9
Would I buy: 10
Would I eat if in front of me: 9
Trefoils
K: Grandma’s classic shortbread made in a factory. I’m pretty sure the first ingredient in Trefoils is butter and the second is heart attack, but you just can’t be mad at them.
J: I literally started brewing a pot of tea when I looked at this picture. Name a more iconic duo than Trefoils and black tea. I’ll wait…
Taste: 9
Texture: 8
Cookie to filling ratio: N/A
Would buy: 9
Would eat if in front of me: 8
Do-si-dos
K: The off-brand nutter butter. Unfortunately Do-si-dos are competing with Tagalongs for peanut butter supremacy, which is just not a battle they are going to win. I did, however, involuntarily eat 5 of them in one sitting. These feel like a snack where Tagalongs feel like dessert.
J: Imagine being the pretty younger sister of one of the most glamorous cookies. It’s good, but if I had to chose a cookie with peanuts, it’s always going to be Tagalongs.
Taste: 7
Texture: 6
Cookie to filling ratio: 7
Would buy: 7
Would eat if in front of me: 7
Savannah Smiles
K: Not my favorite flavor for a cookie, but the taste-testers for this article swayed me. Savannah Smiles hit you with a lemon frosting flavor that diminishes as you continue to eat them, leaving a slightly salty aftertaste. I wish they were less dense and sickly-sweet because the powdered sugar and lemon have the potential to make a light and refreshing bite similar to a Russian tea cookie.
J: I’ve literally never tasted this but it has the word smile in the name so I’m on board. 2019 is all about happiness and positivity so this is a yes from me.
Taste: 5
Texture: 4
Cookie to filling ratio: N/A
Would buy: 5
Would eat if in front of me: 5
Toffee-tastic
K: The gluten-free newcomer to the Girl Scout cookie scene is surprisingly tasty. These are essentially Trefoils with some pretty decent toffee in them. The only reason they are rated so low is because of the texture: painfully dry. If you are gluten-free these are a good option because of the taste, but be sure to dunk them in milk or you may die of thirst.
J: The Sahara Desert recently called this cookie to congratulate it on being the new driest thing on the planet. I’ve literally been told I “taste good, but a little dry” so I can honestly relate [Editor’s note: what?? Also, the Atacama Desert is supposedly the driest, non-polar place on the planet].
Taste: 7
Texture: 0
Cookie to filling ratio: 6
Would buy: 4
Would eat if in front of me: 4
S’mores
K: I don't know how Girl Scouts could have ruined S’mores but they have. These taste like chemicals; an amalgamation of artificial chocolate, marshmallow, and even graham cracker flavoring. “Literal trash” says taste-tester Audra Berg, and I agree.
J: Never has a cookie looked so cute, but tasted so bad. We can all agree that S’mores have the look down, but the flavour needs a lot of work.
Taste: 2
Texture: 6
Cookie to filling ratio: 7
Would buy: 1
Would eat if in front of me: 2 (and only if I really hated myself)
Thin Mints
K: #sorrynotsorry. Thin Mints are dry and uninspired. The mint flavor is overpowering and it feels like you’re eating chocolate toothpaste. At least you can acceptably spit out toothpaste.
J: Thank u, next.
Taste: 2
Texture: 1
Cookie to filling ratio: N/A
Would buy: 0
Would eat if in front of me: 0
J: Are you upset? Shook? Don’t be. This is empirically studied, theoretically-backed research conducted by Katherine and I. We are dessert experts with PhDs in cookie mechanics, and if you can’t respect that, work on yourself. Anger is a disease sweetie, get better soon!
K: True. I bought five boxes of Girl Scout cookies and conducted taste tests to refresh myself on the more unpleasant ones in the bunch. Joseph and I both knew where Thin Mints were going to end up on our list before the taste tests, though. Time to take out the trash!
