A Completely Biased Account of What You Are Like Based on Where You Study in the Reg
In honor of midterms, I thought I would present my extensively researched, peer reviewed, 100% accurate characterizations of people at the Reg based on where they like to study. My credentials are that I have worked at the Reg for four years and I’ve seen too much… far too much.
B Level
You’re weird, you’re a weirdo. I mean you have to be to enjoy the cold, windowless, low ceilinged basement that is the B-level. You’re serious… maybe too serious. I have no doubt you have a sleeping bag stuffed under the desk, and at night you climb between the non automated shelves for a brief 20 min nap before returning back to work. You would kill someone before they take your favorite spot and while I respect it, you deeply, deeply disturb me. What you need is a break, a melatonin gummy, a night in your own bed, and a life.
A Level
Let’s be honest with ourselves, you're only there during midterms and finals. You know the best time to be in the Reg is when you absolutely have to be in the Reg. You’re gonna ace your exams; I believe in you. One day you will figure out how to properly use a whiteboard eraser but today is not that day. What you need is an expo marker, a study group, and a really hot TA.
1st Floor
You’re there for a good time— sometimes also a long time. There’s nothing on your mind and for that reason you are the freest of us all. Are you going to get yourself a treat from Ex lib every 20 minutes? Absolutely! Chatting is exhausting work. You probably get things done, sometimes, but that's not what you’re here for. What you need is another Ex lib iced chai latte, a comfy chair, and a random person you met in SOSC 3 years ago to walk through the door so you can have an hour long conversation catching up.
2nd Floor
You belong on the 1st floor but you tell yourself you don’t. You will whisper to your friend for 2 hours instead of just going downstairs. I admire your cognitive dissonance. Instead of accepting who you are or changing yourself to be who you want, you tell yourself you are exactly who you want to become. You accept no criticism and commit yourself not to being smart but to expertly projecting intelligence. You make shit like this:
which is great but have you tried… I don’t know doing your work. What you need is to take the elevator down one floor, you will be happier for it.
3rd Floor
You’re a gentle soul, a lover of people, art, and literature. You attempt to be neutral because you deeply desire to be liked by everyone. No worries, I like you! You want to try your best and sometimes your best isn’t enough but it usually is. What you need is a hug, a date night to the Art Institute, and me. I will love you right ;)
4th Floor
You’re an enigma. Are you actually doing work or just pulling out 20 random books to lay on your desk? The world may never know. Sometimes I walk by and see you furiously typing your 60 page thesis but other times you’re on uquiz trying to find out if you're a slut, loser, or princess. Spoiler Alert: you’re the loser. That’s okay though because you will finish that thesis just after a brief 4 hour tiktok break. What you need is… actually I don’t know what you need but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
5th floor
You’re a little elitist but only because you are better than everyone. You’re fashionable, sexy, rich, glamorous, and smart. What don’t you have? You like to feel like you’re on top of the world, I guess the top of the Reg is close enough. You’re one of those people who doesn’t move out of the way when other people are walking toward you. As a matter of fact, you trip them then step on them. It seems cruel but they have just learned the important life lesson of what happens when people get in your way. What you need is a little cushion to rest your feet, a back massage, and for the Reg windows to be washed so you can get a crisper view of the quad.
